So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
