No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
