If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
