He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We are two peas in an std pod
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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