There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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