So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Randomize
