Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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