im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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