I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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