I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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