I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
