i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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