im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
