im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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