my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Is Oprah even human
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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