his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
