I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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