You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
