haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
this boner is exhausting
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
