her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
