How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
