My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
