So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sober January is a disaster.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
