I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
