i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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