I need help removing her.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i may or may not be watching the land before time
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
