i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
