I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
