Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
