When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
