I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
