Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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