She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
