about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
