Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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