if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
