walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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