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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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