It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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