yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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