There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
