I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
