Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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