Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
