Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
