Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
