What tipped you off? The sombrero?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
