sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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