There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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