There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
