If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
