Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
